For the longest time until recently, I viewed self doubt as low confidence. So, I drifted between trying to find reasons for why I had self doubt because my upbringing, genes or surroundings didn’t really indicate any reason for low confidence or hosting a pity party for myself. I sought refuge in the possible fact that the Indian education system was biased towards a certain type of education — STEM as the Americans put it ever so eloquently. I didn’t fit there. I was the kid that scored 80s in Maths and was told I sucked at Maths. So, my life-long battle and bias against Maths, Maths teachers and anyone who was good at Maths began. And slowly became my Damocles’ sword as I proceeded to work on my career. I limited myself at every step. This continued until I realised what low confidence really felt like after a bout of bad work decisions and performance. It was way harder than thinking ‘can I do this?’ It was I can never do this. It still didn’t strike me.
A very wise coach I hired to get me out of a mess I seemed to have dug into, asked me a pertinent question when I expressed doubts about my capabilities: “So?” So what if you sucked at something? So what if you failed? So what if people laughed at you? So what if you lost your job?
Lesson no. 1: So what?
It gave me temporary relief but sent me on a journey in my head to figure this out. I didn’t want to answer that question of hers. I sought refuge again in a close friend and cried to him *every day*. Until he told me once how he hated that I constantly doubted myself. With no cause, whatsoever. I felt like someone had pulled the rug from under my feet. Who would I go to, with my pity party now? Myself?
This was the toughest bit. Because everyone else thinks you’re super cool and that you can do anything. And here, my self doubt was weighing me down. I spent days waiting for them to become nights. Self doubt wasn’t just a mental battle. It is a physical battle too. I had to constantly pump myself up.
I decided to work on a mental model that my coach suggested. I was ready. With a pen and paper to write down the list of answers for the question: So what?
It went like this:
- I will lose my job
- I won’t be eligible for a promotion
- My colleagues will laugh at me, worse, pity me.
- My boss will think he made a mistake hiring me
- I won’t be financially independent
- I will have to hide myself in a room
- My son will hate me
- I will be a burden
- I will die out of guilt. Or shame. Or both.
- All of the above will happen and I will survive.
The truth lies in the last point. Possibly. My husband can never hate me. My son doesn’t know a thing. I actually, honestly don’t care about people laughing at me (crossed that bridge when I got a 9/50 in a Maths test in Class 12. And that was sometime ago). The only thing really that worried me was bad performance at work. Spent some more digging the crevices of my mind and found that I was thinking of work in a binary manner.
Lesson no. 2: Nothing is binary. Inspite of what we learned back in school.
My biggest sense of relief came when a male friend of mine spoke of his lack of belief in himself sometimes. Phew. I felt terrible and a deep sense of empathy because WHAT? DOES EVERYONE GO THROUGH THIS STUFF? AND MEN GO THROUGH THIS?
Lesson no. 3: You are not the only one with self doubt.
Everyone has it. Everyone just has learned to handle it better.
I talk about it to very close friends. Refuse to let the rest of the world know I’m crazy tense about how I’m doing at work. This, at any given point in time, btw. I’m always harping, thinking about it and therefore getting exhausted even without getting through a single item on my things to do list. Just that lack of movement is exhausting. Left me feeling very unaccomplished.
Men don’t talk about it. They will be judged more, maybe? Women like me feel this way because:
(a) There is a general lack of validation for women and we only get our mistakes pointed out, adding to our already existing binary overthinking. Sometimes, we overthink because there is no acknowledgement. In my situation, a lot of the times, it’s just me.
(b) The ecosystem is not supportive at all. It seems never enough. Leading me to wonder what it really takes to succeed.
(c ) If I talk about it, the world will immediately think I’m not capable. Here, it does seem binary!
Every time I’m hit by self- doubt, I spent an hour listing down reasons that could go wrong — it’s a long list, I tell you. And happened way too often. Couldn’t afford the time or energy and it boiled down to lack of action.
So now, at the very young age of 38, I have learned that *only* one thing works.
Lesson no. 4: Bias to action will exorcise self doubt. Repeatedly, consistently, every time.
Do it. Keep at it. Start working on the document before you think of a 100 reasons why it won’t work. Start working on the new project before you find answers to So what, and you’re okay with it. Asking yourself ‘So what’ is a great start, but not the end.
Self doubt is a muscle that needs to be exercised.
